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Yesterday was a challenging day for me. My family was “less-than pleased” to say the least, with my “Why You Texting My Man Doesn’t Bother Me” post. I was honestly shocked they took it so offensively and if they took it so, I assume many more took it this way also. So I would like to clarify.
That post was about my ideas about how a real, long lasting relationship works. It was written in a context that portrayed another woman texting “my man,” Travis. This was meant as an artistic expression, a metaphor. I like to think that I have a very real view on how relationships last oppose to a pretty ideal that you see in the movies.
I, like millions of others, have seen so many relationships and marriages fall apart or the people in them miserable. So my question to you is, why would I have a similar view on relationships as those people who’s have fallen apart?
I am in no way saying my view is the only view. I am just saying that this is my idea of how a relationship will work for me.
I believe in love that lasts, but my beliefs as to how to make a love last may be different than many, than that of my parents and grandparents. Just because I want something different for myself is not a middle finger to those who came before me. It’s the opposite. It’s a thank you. Thank you for allowing me to learn from you and to choose something different for myself.
My favorite quote about love comes from Wayne Dyer. He said: “Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they please you.”
I have lived by this quote since the day I read it. I try very hard to apply this to all of my relationships. Love, family and friends.
A marriage or committed relationship should not be a contract in which you agree to be with someone no matter what. A lot of things matter. A marriage or relationship should be an agreement between two people who have a certain understanding about each other, at a moment in time, to grow together in love. If one person grows and the other wilts, the relationship dies, whether the “contract” or marriage is kept in tact, the relationship still dies. The responsibility to grow together lies on both people equally.
Honesty is a MUST. Honesty is key. I wrote about a woman texting Travis and I knew about it. I wrote it as if Travis were completely honest with me. I believe that relationships need tending to. The flame must be kept alive. Another woman texting Travis was a metaphor for reminding me to keep the flame burning.
This is not a threat from Travis. Not a “Make me happy or I’ll leave you for her.” It was supposed to be a reminder that other women will and do admire him. He has other options and so do I. Everyone does. We choose each other. I don’t ever want Travis to feel stuck with me. To want something else but stay with me because of a contract or marriage. I want him to want me every day, which to me means, me being me.
As simple as that sounds I have found that as we get comfortable and time passes in a relationship we can easily lose ourselves. We forget who we were when we fell in love. We look to our partner to make us happy. This is the demise of relationships and marriages. Infidelity never ruined a relationship. Dead relationships spawn infidelity.
So, in my post about a woman texting Travis and me not being bothered by it, this is what I meant. I meant that any woman can throw herself at Travis and he will not be seduced because I remain happy, myself. I remain the woman he fell in love with and is still in love with. Seeing another woman text Travis was my way of displaying this reminder.
A marriage or relationship cannot be seen as a “be with me no matter what” because lots of things matter. My happiness matters, Travis’s happiness matters. Your happiness is YOUR responsibility. Tend to your happiness and by doing so you tend to your partners happiness, you tend to your relationship.
Remember your first dates and how happy you were. That is what your partner fell in love with, that is what your partner agreed to in your marriage. Again, this doesn’t mean in times that are hard or you are angry or sad that you give your partner a reason to leave. It means that if you wilt and become a different person, your core beliefs change and you are mean and grumpy every day, then yes why would your partner want to stay with you? Would you want them to? Should they be held captive to you and your crappy moods? No, they shouldn’t. Same applies for you.
This is why you must take care of your own happiness. You remain happy, and that is all that matters. In my last post I mention that this woman who is texting Travis is my reminder and motivation for working out and eating healthy, this is for my own happiness. I am my best when I am healthy and my happiest. This translates into my relationship with Travis. I am sweeter, funnier, more caring, loving and prettier when I am happy, when I work out, and eat healthy. That is my personal experience.
This is how I believe a love lasts. This is why when another woman texts Travis that it won’t bother me. Because I am happy, I am still the same girl Travis fell in love with and remains in love with. I used the situation of a woman texting Travis as a real life example that people can relate to easily.
The goal of that post was really to help women and men see that by tending to their own happiness, by being authentically themselves, they keep their relationship alive. If you lose yourself, your happiness, or look to your partner to make you happy, you lose your relationship.
I hope this clears things up for anyone who was offended by my post. I loved that post and am proud of it. But I want to make sure I am being understood. That post was artistically written, and could be easily misunderstood, hence this clarification. At this point if you are still offended then I guess my views on relationships offend you. That’s ok. Humans tend to disagree on things.