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Hi dears,

Holy cow, yesterday was a hard Mama day for me. I cried alot, probably as much as Phoenix did. The morning was fine but the afternoon really got to us both. Nix is teething pretty bad I am assuming because his cheeks are just bright red and he is not a happy camper. Also drool….lots of drool happening, and runny noses.

It is just the most miserable feeling not being able to fix what’s wrong.

I was also having major mommy guilt after leaving him at day care for an hour two days in a row at the climbing gym. Nix does pretty well there and he quickly adapts to the environment. I am sure this is probably all in my head but yesterday I really felt like he was mad at me for leaving him there….lol. Doesn’t this sound ridiculous? But I really felt that way yesterday. It was terrible.

I came to the very abrupt realization that very soon Phoenix is going to make his own decisions, thoughts, and opinions, and they may not always agree with mine, he may not like me sometimes. (Literally I am crying right now writing this). I am aware that to those who are not yet mothers I sound like an emotional basket case. It seems so obvious….of course those moments will come. Didn’t you know that when you knew you were having a baby? You knew he would grow up right?…..well ya.

Knowing it in your mind before you experience it is just sooo different.

Being a mom is the most bizarrely awesome thing I have ever done. It is bizzare because you think you know things but you quickly realize you don’t. I remember reading Mommy Blogs before I had Phoenix, thinking to myself “These women are just overly emotional”……HA. Look at me now. I find myself thinking almost daily….”Oohhh so thats what Mommy guilt is.” or “So that’s what they were talking about.”

Becoming a mother is an extremely humbling experience for me. I am so so so heartbroken (and yes it sounds dramatic but thats really what it feels like. Like I just got dumped for the first time right after he said he loved me.) I am heartbroken because somehow this last year I completely forgot that Nix was going to grow up. I forgot that he was going to most likely disagree with me at times, that I was going to have to do things that would upset him because I had to.

I forgot that there would be times where he wouldn’t want to give me kisses.

He is only 1. LOL. Am I a crazy, crying, emotional mommy right now or what?

Anyways, like being dumped for the first time I will recover quickly and get over it all.

I salute you Mamas. It’s a cruel world out there sometimes, but so so so worth it. Nix is the greatest lesson that I am still learning. He has softened my heart completely. I am honored to be his Mama and am so excited to watch him grow up. I’m just sad that the baby days are quickly coming to an end. But that is life.

Once again thanks for taking part in my therapy sessions. Love and light to you all.



Haley Anne

Mother Lovin Yogi